


I Guess

by nickwritesstuff



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Apologies, Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jared Kleinman Is Bad at Feelings, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Canon, Pre-Slash, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:22:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23376850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nickwritesstuff/pseuds/nickwritesstuff
Summary: Jared read "Connor Murphy's suicide note". It wasn't what he was expecting.(Can be read as slash, or as a friend-fic.)
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Comments: 5
Kudos: 94





	I Guess

Jared was pissed. Beyond pissed, actually. And yeah, maybe a bit hurt, betrayed and heartbroken, but he wasn't about to just accept those feelings when he had rage. Rage was familiar. He didn't like it, but he knew how to deal with it.

He was mad a lot lately. When he talked to his father. When his mom tried to fix what was left of him. When nobody listened. Nobody ever listened. Rage was a good friend of Jared. He knew what he had to do.

He drank. A lot. Alcohol always seemed to help. He learned this from his father. If you're happy, drink. If you're sad, drink. If you're mad, you guessed it. Drink. So Jared did.

It sucked. He was more hungover than ever, and his mom's yelling didn't help at all. A small part of Jared's brain knew she wanted to help him, but it didn't stop him from yelling back shit like "shut up" or "why do you act like you care".

He didn't talk to his mom after that. It's not like she wanted him to, anyways. Jared knew she was still mad. Disappointed, even. Jared would be ashamed if he had a son like himself. He couldn't really blame his mom.

That also meant he couldn't exactly get out of his room. His mom was in the house, and he really didn't want to see all those negative feelings in her eyes. He couldn't go out either. He didn't have friends to hang out with. 

So now, he was sitting in his room, scrolling through Tumblr on his laptop. That's when he saw it. A new Connor Project update. He rolled his eyes, but curiosity won over being butthurt, so he started reading.

His eyes started to widen with every word he read on the screen. He recognized the stupid formatting. Of course he did. He'd been writing like that for months now. 

_Oh let's face it: the only friend I have._

Jared bit his lip. This must've been the first letter. The one the Murphys found in Connor's pocket. A quick glance at the headline confirmed his suspicion. Why would Evan upload this?

Then, he realized. He wouldn't. He was so freaked out when Connor took it. So it must've been Alana. Obviously, she'd never let Evan have some privacy in his life.

Jared's eyes drifted back to the letter. Evan was so scared it'd get out. He was shaking. He had to mean every word to react like that.

_If I disappear tomorrow, nobody's going to care._

No. Jared shook his head, reaching for his phone. To hell with the fight, to hell with being mad. He didn't give a flying fuck anymore. He dialed Evan's number, but didn't stop reading the lines that started this nightmare. They didn't exactly start Evan's nightmares though, did they? They could've ended them. Jared shook his head again.

_I'm giving up._

He didn't pick up the phone.

_I'm not fighting anymore._

Why didn't he pick up the phone? 

_It doesn't get better._

With a racing heart, Jared pulled up Messenger and wrote a quick message.

"Pick up the damn phone," he read it out under his breath, not even paying it any mind. 

_You give up. I give up._

Jared dialed again, but the sharp noise in his ears made him flinch. Evan turned off his phone. So he didn't do anything stupid yet.

_Once and for all, I give up._

Jared stood up, leaving the laptop open. His heart was racing as he put on his jacket that he threw onto his desk the last time he went outside. It's been a while.

He didn't care to pick up anything other than his phone where he was still trying to reach Evan. Come on, come on, come on... 

Another contact caught his eye. She picked up almost immediately.

"Jared? Is something wrong?" Heidi asked. Her voice was quiet, and... Sad, Jared realized in horror. Evan didn't- he couldn't have. Right? He took the time to turn off his phone, Jared reasoned with himself. He couldn't have done it.

"Hey, is Evan okay?" he asked as he made his way outside, basically running to his car. He got in, and started the engine with shaking hands.

"He... Yes," Heidi finally said. "He's in his room."

"Can you let me in in about a minute?" Jared pushed the gas pedal like never before. He didn't care about the speed limit. There weren't any cars outside anyways. 

"Sure," Heidi said. "Evan told me about your fight."

"Yeah, just- FUCK," he yelled as a car appeared in front of him. He hit the brakes, but didn't drop the phone. The other car turned left to a side road, leaving Jared alone again.

"Jared? Are you okay?" Heidi asked, her voice at least an octave higher.

"Yes, just a stupid driver," he sped up the car again. "I'm almost there. And uh..."

"Yes?"

"Could you not tell Evan I'm going?" Jared was biting his lip again. Bad habit, he picked it up after his father filed the divorce. "He might lock his door or something."

Heidi laughed. "Sure thing."

"Thanks," Jared said as he turned into the Hansens' driveway. "I'm here."

The door opened almost immediately, to reveal Heidi Hansen. Jared smiled faintly as he got out of the car, and made his way towards the house. 

"He's..." Heidi tried to talk, but it was like she had trouble with words. "I trust you. Don't upset him."

"I'll try my best," Jared nodded. Heidi smiled and stepped aside to let him in.

"You still remember the way?" she joked, closing the door behind Jared, who laughed and nodded. Of course he still remembered. He remembered when he came over every day. They played in the living room. The carpet was probably still stained from the time when they spilled Heidi's wine on it.

He blinked as he stopped in front of the door. He took a deep breath, and raised his hand to knock. He could do this. He had to tell Evan-

What? What was he even going to say? Why was he here? Heidi said Evan was okay. Before Jared could change his mind, he knocked.

"Come in," Evan's voice came from the room. Jared's stomach dropped. He sounded wrong. Broken, almost. He didn't hesitate longer as he opened the door and stepped into the room.

Evan was looking at him, and Jared should've been cool and chill, but he didn't think. He just crossed the small room with two steps, and pulled Evan into a hug.

"You're an absolute idiot," he choked out without letting go. Evan slowly started to relax, and Jared felt him wrap his arms around him. 

"What's happening?" Evan asked after a few seconds. Jared stepped back, the feeling of Evan's breath against his hair was too much.

"The letter," Jared said simply. Evan nodded, like he understood everything.

"You felt sorry for me," he said with a bitter smile. Jared shook his head.

"I wanted to tell you how stupid you are," he mumbled as he let out a nervous laugh. "I mean I know I wasn't exactly a good friend, but you could've told me."

Evan snorted. "Yeah, sure."

"I'm serious," Jared stepped closer again, but this time, Evan pulled away. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I should've known. Fuck," he exclaimed, "why didn't I notice?"

"Nobody did," Evan said quietly. "That's the whole point. Nobody cares enough until it's too late."

"Is it? Too late, I mean," Jared asked, reaching for Evan's hand. 

"For me, or for you?" Evan raised a brow, but let Jared's fingers wrap around his own. 

"For both of us?" 

"Probably."

"That's not a definite no," Jared smirked. Evan sighed.

"I'm sorry too," he said, not looking at Jared. "I said some things I shouldn't have. I was a real asshole."

"Yeah, you kinda were," Jared laughed, but stopped as soon as he saw Evan's face. "But so was I. So I guess we kinda deserve each other, huh?"

To this, Evan finally smiled. Not the fake smile he used in front of everyone nowadays. It was that same smile Jared saw when he let Evan win at Mario Kart before their freshman year. 

"I guess we do."


End file.
